1. |
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lately i'm not feeling much
of anything
lately i'm not getting touched
other than the sun on my skin
and it's hard to describe
it's so damn hard to cry
i wanted this to be
a simple love song
but it's not in me
it's been too long
is there even such a thing
as a love song that doesn't just sting
things rarely go according to the way i plan them anyway
i wanted this to be
a simple love song
i wanted the certainty
a tune to hum along
but nothing came to me
here's to life ending up differently
things rarely go according to the way i plan them anyway
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2. |
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do i try to convince you
i don't know what i'm doing
i'm caught in machinery
and i need rescuing
my body's constricted
like a mouth is chewing
on my torso through to my rib cage
losing the battle but i don't want no war
you don't know what it's like
when you're not around
then again how could you
the way your body is bound
to this impenetrable
grey compound
we think of escaping but it seems irrational
like winning a battle when the war lost
oohh i miss the lengthy phase
oohh when fighting was just a phrase
oohh i've been meaning to find out the way my words can ricochet
i got a friend who
wonders if she's pretty
i say why not bring this
to a committee
where they deliberate
the data analytically
and if they got extra time i'd like to ask them too
get an assessment without seeming like i care
oohh i miss the lengthy phase
oohh when fighting was just a phrase
oohh i've been meaning to find out the way my words can ricochet
i don't know if you or i
want to hear this
but there isn't always
a way to be fearless
and when our bodies
begin to betray us
we can look closely at a mirror
trace our fingers over the battle scars
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3. |
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i woke wearing a wedding dress i said to myself i said to myself
"you're putting the cart before the horse again
and you're fucking yourself, you're fucking yourself"
i woke up wearing a wedding band and i said out loud i said out loud
"you're thinking about this way too much
it's getting scary and i'm not proud"
but it's only cuz i'm lonely
only cuz i'm tired
tired cuz i'm naked and insecure
spent the rest of the day in my thoughts got lost in the idea being married with you
playing out scenes in my head about all of the
fights and the art and the damage we'd do
i took the night off to re-think my plans i decided you could never really love me
of course it's so clear you would'a called me 'dear'
but any feelings for me were never meant to be
oooooh you'd tell me some story
oooooh you'd tell me you're sorry
oooooh and i'd say that i understand, and i believe you
but it's only cuz i'm lonely
only cuz i'm tired
tired cuz i'm naked and insecure
|
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4. |
That ain't saying much
06:39
|
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i've never been more sure
of anything in my life
but that ain't saying much
as i stare past my screen
that ain't saying much
as i return from the scene
i've played out so many times
with minor redesigns
i've worried too much
about what you think
but that ain't saying much
i worry constantly
that ain't saying much
i'm frozen frequently
blue sky colour temperature
fills my aperture
there's a twinkle in your eye
a bounce in your step
but that ain't saying much
i fall for any trick
that ain't saying much
when i'm extra lovesick
there's a meadow up ahead
full of tulips, underfed
i know that i'll calm down
i know that i'll calm down
i know that i'll calm down
eventually
it doesn't seem possible
this time around
but that ain't saying much
i've never been in love
that ain't saying much
caught in a cycle of
a meadow up ahead
and i find all the flowers dead
and i wonder if i misread
or if it's something that i said
i know that i'll calm down
i know that i'll calm down
i know that i'll calm down
eventually
i know that i'll calm down
i know that i'll calm down
i know that i'll calm down
eventually
i know that i'll calm down
i know that i'll calm down
i know i'll calm down
|
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5. |
A tranquility
04:34
|
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a split between two forms of a coward
doctor jekyll and i can't help but hide
one is afraid while the other doesn't care
and so eventually i'll have to decide
between my two prescribed personalities
a dotted line of medicated boundaries
a pill each day keeps my world in place
still and calm, a tranquility
that acts as a source of comfort
while it feeds an overgrown apathy
i can't tell if i miss reaching the extremes
but i'm terrified to alter my bloodstream
|
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6. |
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i find it hard to trust you when you tell me all about how you hate everyone else
what always springs to mind is how you cull your comments to your confidants
and i find it hard to believe i'm the exception to your endless nitpicking
it's not that i disagree with what you're saying, it's just i don't see the value
and i find it hard to understand what you're going through the way you project it all outward
i'm sure i'm missing something, i know it's complicated, and i'm worried i'm making it all about me
but i find it hard to listen to you without attempting to craft my own subtext
it's not that i disagree with what you're saying, it's just i don't see the value
how am i
supposed to feel
when you trash all of our fucking friends
and i get worried when the coin flips over and life is looking brighter
you talk about the future like its a movie and you're the charming protagonist
i get worried because there's this pattern where you get your hopes up
and you talk about the future like it's a love song and it'll never stop playing
and inevitably the love song turns to shit and
you get hit with the breakup you thought couldn't happen
your support system now feels so distant
and i'm a statue for you to bounce negative thoughts off of
how am i
supposed to feel
when you trash all of our fucking friends
|
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7. |
Shortness of breath
03:27
|
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feels like i climbed out of great big hole
i feel a shortness of breath and some tightness in my chest
i'm recovering
so slowly
but i'm recovering
sometimes when the walls look like they're closing in
i outstretch my arms and repeat the phrase:
i'm recovering
so slowly
but i'm recovering
i'm recovering
so slowly
but i'm recovering
i'm recovering
so slowly
but i'm recovering
|
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8. |
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laid waste to a pattern of
self destruction better left behind
to forgotten days
hidden in my overwritten
memory, i find
makes a ton of room for new
patterns of self destruction
modeled after forgotten
days
days
i avoid talking to you
tilt my head and stare at a
ceiling tile instead of straight ahead
so i don’t have to say ‘hi’ or ‘how are you’
and as i lay in bed
it makes less and less sense
thinking about what i do daily
avoiding every single little
thing
thing
looking at my calendar
half a mind to cancel all the
plans i made last week
when i was feeling energetic
what's the downside
to spending all that time
by myself instead lonesome
with an audience of
friends
friends
just when i think i’ve changed
i do it all over again
just when i think i’ve grown
i shrink back down
again
again
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Squiggly Lines Toronto, Ontario
a person who writes songs and then records them and then puts them on the internet.
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