maybe one day i'll be fixed but not today not today not today

i don't know what to do with myself in these rooms that fill up with noise and i can't tell know if i'm spinning my wheels because it always sounds this way i can't wrap my little head around us there's a disconnect happening somewhere we all shout and scream "fuck bloody murder" and laugh about it and talk about it and some more i hear a buzz most of the time i can't hear a word most of the time i listen so hard most of the time but the signal to noise is wrong the signal to noise is wrong the signal to noise is wrong the signal to noise is wrong

look at your watch, it's half past eternity look outside, the apocalypse is currently booked. it's on, not a mouse left to scurry and soot, and ash, and radioactivity everything i say is false to you everything i say is a joke to you watch out, behind you, there's a mutated man-monster don't doubt, don't shout, don't surprise him he seems sinister find a route, you've got about ten seconds, he's a sprinter now don't pout, it's tough right now, but things might get better everything i do is clumsy to you everything i think you already knew dropping the bomb was a calculated decision plotting armageddon, a careful incision weeks of deliberation, and pacing, and envisioning halting our progress to start a better version everything we built was a waste of time everybody i knew was a victim of mine everything i did, i did it for us everything i did, was for a metamorphosis

i drink too much coffee i know it's not good for me my body is falling apart i eat too much sugar with minimal exercise standing still, won't break a sweat i should make a doctor's appointment soon it's been several years since my last checkup but i just know there's something festering inside of me that i don't want to know about i know what calls to make i know what calls to make now to dial the numbers

"when we start dating, I'd like to get to know your parents but I can't seem to figure out why there's always interference" "it doesn't make much sense, why are you always on the fence? speaking in the present tense, why are you always on the fence?" "yes i know, i remember you from last semester we watched eraserhead and that film with that chicken arrester" "i sit here in the back, so i can attend in peace, don't misconstrue i don't take this class just to sit in the back and talk with you" school is an institution meant make us learn and grow i guess it worked, i never knew i could be so low

i don't like video games just the way they make me feel i don't like killing people even when i know they're not real don't know what to say and don't know how to say it who do i say it to i don't like having sex it's a passing hormonal drive i'm jealous of the pines growing without feeling alive don't know what to say and don't know how to say it who do i say it to seagulls, windows, invisible barriers lost in space with cryogenics i don't like being alone and i don't like it when there's a crowd i don't like being quiet but i very rarely ever get loud don't know what to say and don't know how to say it who do i say it to

i woke up this morning and i felt like the dead woke up this morning legs filled with lead the window's open the door is closed the air pressure from the outside world makes it seem like there's a ghost i woke up this evening and i don't wanna work woke up this evening don't care if i'm broke my life is over, too late to try the way i spent my youthful days as if i'd never die i spotted a problem a mile away and i let it get me anyway watched it close in from all directions the thing about me is i don't do preemptions i spotted a problem a mile away and i let it get me anyway watched it close in from all directions the thing about me is i don't do preemptions i spotted a problem a mile away and i let it get me anyway watched it close in from all directions the thing about me is i don't do- don't do preemptions i spotted a problem a mile away and i let it get me anyway watched it close in from all directions the thing about me is i don't do preemptions i spotted a problem a mile away and i let it get me anyway watched it close in from all directions the thing about me is i don't do preemptions i spotted a problem a mile away and i let it get me anyway watched it close in from all directions the thing about me is i don't do redemptions i spotted a problem a mile away and i let it get me anyway watched it close in from all directions the thing about me is i don't do preemptions i spotted a problem a mile away and i let it get me anyway watched it close in from all directions the thing about me is i don't do preemptions i spotted a problem a mile away and i let it get me anyway watched it close in from all directions the thing about me is i don't do preemptions

you don't know what it's like, singing this old tune sister's getting married soon off to work i go, then to the gym i know "heigh-ho," a capella snow white never been too light, never been out of sight never had a white-knight sure i'll come in saturday, had no plans to stay in or go out that day sure i'll come in sunday too, thought i might sleep but that's not a thing that I do you don't know what it's like making minimum wage when you reach laura's age your kid won't speak to you, she's got a job too, but what else is knew you live alone, it shows, christmas comes and goes seasonal employment throes laura had her daughter when she was eighteen managed to support her, thought they were a team

(oooowaaooo) i got you with me (oooowaahooo) you're all i see (oooowaaooo) you're a fantasy please don't disappear on me vanessa, you're a fairy-tale ordinary is memory i've been transported to land far away my thoughts are never, ever crowded devotion to you, i've never doubted vanessa i hope you are here to stay (oooowaaooo) i got you with me (oooowaaooo) you're all i see (oooowaaooo) you're a fantasy please don't disappear on me i only hope the screen keeps running maybe i'll keep the repeats coming and watch your tv drama every day i don't need nothing else as long as i have you to myself i can see you whenever i want to hit play (oooowaaooo) i got you with me (oooowaaooo) you're all i see (oooowaaooo) you're a fantasy please don't disappear on me please don't disappear on me

waiting for my mistakes to catch up with me waiting for my mistakes to catch up with me waiting for my mistakes to catch up with me i'm a victim of myself and i strike so swiftly i'm laying in a corner all bruised and broken sheltered in a shack with the pain unspoken a rare guest speaks the seldom words "please open" i'm a victim of myself so i forgo them this is not a path that i would have chosen it's an awful long way it's an awful long way something about this world makes it seem so haunted noises without sources and a village disbonded i'd like to blame a ghost or a devil, gaunt and flaunted but i'm a victim of myself, always got what i wanted if i knew what was to come I'd a'never responded it's an awful long way it's an awful long way i'm a writer who can't figure out an end i'll make it up as i go along but i'll wish i had it planned to catch all my mistakes plot holes and embarrassing headaches this what the sands of time do at their best uncover buried bones when the wind blows west the desert pulls the moisture from my aching chest but i'm a victim of myself, give that sand some rest there's only me to to blame for the pages transgressed it's an awful way to be it's an awful thing to see i'm an actor who can't stay in character missing a teleprompter to tell me what to say to keep me relatable if only it was that simple

you're only with me because you're sick it's only natural, it's automatic subconscious habits that need to be fixed sometimes i can't tell whose more solipsistic we're together on feeble grounds i know i'll make my way to your lost and found when you quietly turn your life around i know i'll make my way to your lost and found we're both victims of circumstance, i don't disagree we can't be there for each other if we're out of body circling above, trying to understand our own behavior surgical gloves, dissecting patterns with cameras and tracers trying to be a saviour its not fair your dog died he was barely two years old its not fair i'm alive, i took his place i'm so old, i'm so old

caught in a sunk cost fallacy in a soulless factory in a salt-less dead sea in a friendless enemy in an endless wintry relationship i never meant it to be stuck in a standstill looking back to the times i couldn't act time to grow up and i slacked time to show up and i missed moments left hanging and dismissed but i insist i dont do this shit on purpose accuse me of acting distant and sad that's not fair, i'm the same with dad next you tell me how you want me to be i say ill try but no guarantee trapped in a certain way to live trained to take more than i give made to stare off dismissive wish i were more proactive not to be so defensive but i think i got used to going through life passive compared to when i was a little boy i'm not so much fun since i've outgrown all my toys and we don't talk as much as we used to do i don't like to say it, our connections are so few

waiting all day waiting all day for a message from you waiting all day waiting all day for an invitation the silence is difficult to cope the silence is difficult to cope and lately i've come to realize lately you've made me realize how real my anxiety is shame, guilt fear and loneliness shame, guilt fear and loneliness shame, guilt fear and loneliness